Are you an angel parent or a devil parent? Giving Children Freedom to Choose

Are you an angel parent or a devil parent? | 你是天使父母 还是魔鬼父母？

Credits: This text from a Xiaohongshu video from Pang Ho titled "Are you an angel parent or a devil parent? " | 你是天使父母 还是魔鬼父母？ https://www.xiaohongshu.com/discovery/item/68b2939b000000001b01d477?xsec_token=ABhesvjZeHcrNzfa97kDx5VtRqppjjmjwSTP77n_h9f94%3D

SUMMARY

This video discusses a parent's philosophy on child-rearing, emphasizing the importance of allowing children to quit activities they dislike rather than forcing perseverance. Forcing children to continue disliked tasks stems from parental fear and anxiety, and can lead to a lifetime aversion to those activities. Instead, parents should provide a "safety net" for exploration, giving children the courage to start and abandon pursuits as they discover their true passions. The speaker illustrates this with examples of his daughter choosing to stop piano lessons and excelling in self-taught wig making for cosplay, highlighting that true engagement and mastery come from intrinsic motivation, not forced effort in unliked areas.

KEY POINTS

English Video Transcript

My daughter has told me countless times, "I don't want to study anymore." My response has always been, "That's great! Have you decided yet? I'll call the teacher right away and get the remaining tuition back." I never encourage my daughter to persist. Have you proven to yourself that you're not meant for studying? Then you won't waste your life on studying in the future. And then she would say, "How can you be a dad like that? I was just complaining a little, I was just saying that." She wasn't actually serious about giving up. Then you find that children are very rebellious; the more you make them do something, the less they want to do it. The more you tell them not to do something, the more they seem to want to do it. But as long as she has such a thought, I always tell her, "It's okay, no problem." What parents need to do is give their children the courage to give up, not to make them persist. You only dare to set off if you have the courage to stop. You only dare to start if you have the courage to give up. In her life, she has given up much more than she has persisted.

When she was three or four years old, she went to learn piano. She said, "Wow, they play the piano so beautifully, I want to learn too." So she went to learn. She played and played, and eventually didn't want to play anymore. Why? You can't force it. That interest hadn't been fully ignited, and then the teacher demanded she play this way here and that way there, completely restricting her. And then finally, she didn't want to play anymore. It was very uncomfortable. Grandma said, "How can you give up so easily? How can we do things without commitment? Besides, we paid for so many classes, the tuition is still there, you have to finish these classes no matter what." Then my daughter cried, various kinds of crying. What I told my daughter was, "If you really don't want to play, then don't play."

It doesn't matter. I asked her, "Are you a bit upset about the tuition?" She said, "Yes." I said, "Then I'll go learn it?" So later, I really did go and take the remaining piano lessons. Every day at home, while she was practicing piano, my daughter temporarily put it aside. It's fine. If at this time, we forced her to continue playing the piano, she might distance herself from the piano for a lifetime. Let her put it aside for a while; what if one day she meets a charming guy who likes piano, and she starts again? For example, when I was little, my mom forced me to learn calligraphy, and I didn't like it. But later, when I grew up, my handwriting was liked and recognized by my students, so I started practicing. You always have opportunities. Don't stubbornly force it. That's a kind of obsession, and that kind of obsession is so painful. How many parents are harming their children like this every day? Before the princess kisses the true frog prince, how many toads does she have to kiss? Is this princess supposed to kiss a toad and still forcefully kiss it? Throw it away quickly! If you don't throw away this toad, you won't find the true frog prince. What I told my daughter is, "Once you've figured out what you want, you'll have extra time to figure out what you want, and once you are firm in your true goal, you will achieve it."

Her favorite thing is cosplay. In their community, she makes wigs for them. She does it extremely well. Do you know how she learned? She watched short videos online, learned from others' makeup tutorials, and all the design inspiration for the wigs were self-taught. They are very beautiful. Then in her community, she makes short videos, and her videos often get thousands of likes. Sometimes even better than mine. We must know that choosing any one thing comes with an opportunity cost. I choose A, which simultaneously means giving up B. We only see the value of A, but ignore the value of B. We need to see the value of B, C, D, besides A. So many times, people always say you need perseverance and persistence in doing anything. If my daughter really kept persisting with the piano, which she didn't like, she would have no opportunity to explore, for example, the wig design she's doing now, or have more time for painting or singing. Her loss would also be huge.

If your child must walk a tightrope, what should parents do? Train them, demanding they must walk this tightrope and finish it? No. What parents need to do is lay a safety net beneath the tightrope for them, so that it's okay if they fall. Remember, that safety net below is the source of your child's courage to walk the tightrope, not your so-called encouragement, nor your so-called education. At this point, many parents say, "Teacher, my family isn't that rich, and I don't have that many options. This is the only way out." What do you think of this kind of talk, this kind of rhetoric that says "don't be afraid"? Is it because you don't have money that you're trapped in this mindset, or is it because you're trapped in this mindset that you don't have money? Don't be self-righteous; it's this mindset that limits your wealth. You still want to pass on this ridiculous logic to your child, and then you still feel very proud of yourself.

There are two kinds of parents in this world: one is an angel, and one is a devil. It's hard to distinguish. Remember one thing: devil-like parents always give children only one choice, while angel-like parents always give children more choices. So I often tell my daughter, "Daddy hopes you live a happy life. If something makes you work very hard, then most likely you've done that thing wrong, and you shouldn't persist anymore." You only persist in something you don't like, right? If you are good at it, do you need to work hard? Hard work and persistence imply you're neither good at it nor do you like it. Is there anyone in this world who can do something they are neither good at nor like, well? You know, you can actually start now to become an angel-like parent. We must first realize something: we transfer our fears and anxieties to our children through all sorts of demands, so-called encouragement, and motivation. We need to realize that this is mine. They all come from ourselves, so what she dislikes is not the thing itself, like piano. She might not dislike or detest the piano itself. What she dislikes is the feeling of being restricted, controlled, and demanded. I need to withdraw that. I have always encouraged my daughter to express her needs, so she has the opportunity to express them. She has the opportunity to temporarily put down things she doesn't quite like and embrace things she likes more. She is actually a closed loop, a complete one. Parents must systematically learn. It's a process, and it also requires companionship.

My job is precisely this. I am determined to truly spread psychology as a psychology mentor. Many parents say, "I don't have a connection with my child," "I can't connect with my child," "I communicate with my child, but my child isn't willing to talk to me." What's the reason? It's just that they are afraid of you, you don't understand them, so they can't communicate with you. You must remember, all children who superficially refuse to communicate with their parents are actually eager to communicate with them. They wish they could open everything up and let their parents enter their world. All children are like this.

Original Video Transcript

我女兒跟我說過無數次，「我不想讀書了」。我都回答是：「太好了！你決定了沒有？我馬上給老師打電話，把剩下的學費給我。」我從不鼓勵我女兒要堅持。你為自己證明了你不是讀書的料事情嗎？你以後就不會在讀書這件事情上浪費你的生命了嘛。然後他就說：「哪有你這麼當爸爸的？我只是埋怨一下，我只是這麼一說。」他其實並不是真的要放棄。然後你發現小孩子很逆反，你越讓他做越不想做，你越讓他別做，他又好像越要做。但是他只要他有這樣的一個想法的時候，我都告訴他：「可以的，沒有問題。」父母要做的事情是要讓孩子有放棄的勇氣，而不是讓他去堅持。有停的勇氣你才敢出發，有放棄的勇氣你才敢開始。他人生當中放棄的比他堅持的要多的多。三四歲的時候就去學鋼琴嘛，他說：「哇他們談鋼琴好好聽，我也想學。」那去學咯。談談談談談到最後就不想談。為什麼？你沒辦法的，那個興趣還沒有被激發出來，然後老師就要求他這裡這樣談，那裡那樣談，整個就被限制住了，然後最後就不想談了呀。就很難受嘛。奶奶說：「怎麼能輕易放棄呢？我們做事情怎麼能沒心呢？再說了給你報了那麼多課，那個學費還在那裡呢，你怎麼樣也要把這些課上完嘛！」然後女兒就啊就哭，各種哭。我跟我女兒說的就是：「如果你真的不想談，那就不談。」

沒有關係的。我就跟她說：「那個學費你是不是有點心疼？」她說：「對啊。」我說：「那我去把他學了嘛！」所以後來我真的去把後面的鋼琴課學了。天天在家裡面，她在那裡練鋼琴了，我女兒就暫時放下嘛。沒有關係的嘛。如果這個時候逼他繼續談鋼琴，他可能一輩子都會遠離鋼琴的。讓他暫時先放一放，萬一哪天遇到一個心儀的男神喜歡鋼琴，他又開始了呢？比如說我小時候我媽強迫我寫書法，我就不愛學。那後來長大了，寫的字得到了我的學員們的喜歡和認可，那我就開始練了嘛。你總是有契機的嘛。不要去死氣掰咧的去，那是一種執念，那種執念好痛苦的。你多少父母天天這樣在害他的小孩的？公主在吻到真正的青蛙王子之前，他要先吻到多少隻賴蛤蟆呢？難道這個公主吻到是一個賴蛤蟆嘛，還要強行吻下去嗎？趕緊扔掉嘛，你不扔掉這個賴蛤蟆，你就找不到真正的青蛙王子。我跟我女兒說的就是：「你先想清楚了自己我要什麼，你就有多餘的時間去想清楚自己要什麼，而你一旦堅定了自己真正要的目標，你會實現他的。」他最喜歡的事情是cosplay嘛，在他們那個圈子裡面幫他們做假髮的。他做的非常好。他怎麼學的你知道嗎？自己在網上看短視頻，看人家的化妝教程學的，對假髮的設計靈感那些東西全是自學的，很漂亮。然後在他那個圈子裡面

他做短視頻哦，人家的短視頻動不動就是上千個贊的。有的時候比我做的還好。我們一定要知道選擇了任何一件事情都是機會成本的。我選擇了A，同時意味著放棄了B。我們只看到了A的價值，卻忽略了那個B的價值。我們要看到除了A以外還有B、C、D的價值。所以很多時候動不動就是做任何事情要恆心要堅持。如果女兒就真的一直堅持他不喜歡的鋼琴，他就沒有機會再去接觸，比如說他現在做的這個假髮的設計啊，沒有更多的時間去繪畫呀，去唱歌啊，他的損失也是很大的。如果你的孩子必須要走鋼絲，父母要做的事情是什麼？訓練他，要求他一定要走上這個鋼絲，並且要走完嗎？不是的。父母要做的事情是在這個鋼絲的下面給他鋪一張安全網，讓他掉下去也沒關係。記住下面那張安全網才是你的孩子走上鋼絲的勇氣來源，不是你所謂的鼓勵，也不是你所謂的教育。那這個時候很多父母就說：「老師我家也沒有那麼有錢，我條件也沒有那麼多數，就是唯一條的出路。」你這個說法的話呢可能就是這樣的說話不要疼，這種言論你怎麼看？到底是因為你沒有錢，所以你才限制到了這個思維當中，還是因為你限制到了這個思維當中，所以才沒有錢呢？不要自以為是，限制你的財富的就是你這個思維，這個狗屁邏輯你還要繼續傳遞給你

的小孩，然後你還覺得自己了不起的很。這個世界上有兩種父母：有一種是天使，有一種是魔鬼，很難分辨。記住一條，魔鬼一樣的父母永遠只給孩子唯一的選擇，而天使一樣的父母永遠給孩子更多的選擇。所以我經常跟我女兒講：「爸爸希望你這一生就快樂樂。如果什麼事情讓你做得很辛苦，那多半這件事情做錯了，那你就不要再去堅持了。」你不喜歡一件事情，你才會堅持吧？如果你擅長，你需要努力嗎？努力堅持背後就是又不擅長又不喜歡。請問這個世界上有任何一個人可以把他又不擅長又不喜歡的事情做好嗎？你的都我嗎？你其實是可以從現在開始成為天使一樣的父母的。我們首先要意識到一件事情，我們把自己的恐懼和焦慮通過各種各樣的要求，所謂的鼓勵、推動傳遞給了我們的孩子。我們需要意識到這是我的，都是來自於我們自己。所以他討厭的不是這個事情，比如鋼琴，他可能討厭的厭惡的不是鋼琴本身，他討厭的是被約束、被控制、被要求的那種感受，我要把它撤回來。我一直都鼓勵我的女兒表達他的需求，所以他才有機會表達出來，他才有機會去暫時放下他不太喜歡的東西，去擁抱他更喜歡的東西。他其實是一個閉環，是一個完整的。家長父母一定要系統的去學習，是需要一個過程的，也是需要有人陪伴的。我

的工作就是這個。我立志要以心理學導師的身份把心理學真正的傳播出去。很多父母說：「我跟孩子沒有連接」、「我跟孩子連接不上」、「我跟孩子溝通，我的孩子不願意跟我交流。」什麼原因嘛？只是他害怕你，你不理解他，他沒法跟你溝通。你要記住，所有表面上拒絕跟父母溝通的孩子，都是渴望跟父母溝通的。他希望自己能夠敞開一切，讓父母進入自己的世界，所有孩子都是如此。

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