The Boundaries of Love: Raising Responsible Children by Respecting Their Rights
Credit: This text is from a Xiaohongshu video from Pang Ho titled: "Parents who truly know how to educate only manage principles and don't make choices for their children" | 真正会教育的父母，只管原则，不替孩子做选 https://www.xiaohongshu.com/discovery/item/68c119fc000000001d01ec4d?xsec_token=ABwON_y56R6VTmnm6zIZvvC7FFkMaL32WbllmxElbCPTo%3D
One year, I took my daughter to Thailand. She was very young, about four years old. We had planned to visit a shooting range that day, and she came along with us. Unexpectedly, when we were preparing to return to the hotel, she suddenly became emotional, crying and fussing, refusing to get in the car, unwilling to go back to the hotel. The driver and others were waiting, so I asked her, "You don't want to get in the car?" "No." "You don't want to go back to the hotel?" "No."
What would most parents do in this situation? "Get in the car now! Hurry up!" They might simply force the child in. Many parents would handle it this way, wouldn't they? At four years old, you can still physically lift your child, but what about when they're twenty? You'll find this behavioral pattern continues. If you force her into the car at this moment, this child will begin to feel powerless.
First, as an independent individual, does my daughter have the right to refuse to get in the car and return to the hotel at that moment? Of course she has that right. Do the people in the car have the right to return to the hotel immediately? Of course they do. So the question arises: what choice do I make? There are two options. First, stay behind with my daughter. Second, get in the car and leave. As a father, which one should I choose? Either choice is within my rights, but as a father, I have a responsibility: to ensure my child's safety. This obligation comes with my role as a father, so I must fulfill this responsibility. But can I demand that everyone in the car share this responsibility with me? No. So I told the driver, "Take my friends back to the hotel first. It's fine. My daughter doesn't want to go back right now, let her cry here for a while."
After the car left, I said to her, "It's okay. You're unhappy and don't want to go back yet. You want to stay a little longer, cry for a while, and that's fine. Daddy will stay with you." She sat at a table, crying "Mmm, mmm, mmm." After about ten more minutes of crying, she stopped. But is the problem solved just because she stopped crying? Many parents would then say, "Alright now? Daddy will call a taxi, and we'll go back." Isn't that what would happen? Don't I have needs of my own? Don't I have rights?
No, unconditional love means unconditional attention to feelings, and I achieved that. Daddy always pays attention to your feelings. When you're unhappy, Daddy stays with you. But unconditional love doesn't mean unconditional indulgence of behavior. Don't cross that line. If we go back immediately after she stops crying, in that instant, her subconscious will think, "Whatever I want, Daddy will let me have." Do you understand? This becomes spoiling. See? If you can do whatever you want, that's dangerous.
Handle emotions first, then handle the situation. She stopped crying, calmed down. "Do you want to go back to the hotel now?" "Yes." Two options. First method: take a taxi back to the hotel, since the car has already left. You pay for it. Why? You decided not to leave, and Daddy decided to stay with you to ensure your safety. Since you enjoyed the right to make this decision, you need to bear the consequences, responsibilities, and obligations that come with it.
"What if the child doesn't have money?" They must have money. So you need to ask yourself why your child doesn't have money. Go back and watch my previous short videos, and you'll understand. New Year money belongs to them; it is absolutely theirs. They must have this right to be able to take responsibility. She asked, "What's the second option?" "We walk back together." She asked how much a taxi would cost. I said about 500 baht. "What? That expensive? Then let's walk back." More than ten kilometers.
I had no choice but to follow her. With a four-year-old, you can't just say, "You go ahead then, I'll take a taxi." That's impossible. So I said, "Alright, Daddy will walk with you." We walked and walked until we reached a small hill, when suddenly it started pouring rain. She said, "Daddy, Daddy!" I asked, "What's wrong?" "I don't want to walk anymore. It's still so far." I asked, "What should we do then?" "Let's take a taxi back." I asked, "Who will pay?" "I will pay." Then she said, "Can you help me bargain?" I said, "OK, no problem." So we hailed one of those Thai tuk-tuks, bargained it down to 400 baht, and returned to the hotel. She paid.
They must have rights to be able to take responsibility. You deprive them of all rights, yet you demand they be responsible. How can your child possibly take responsibility? Why don't they accept your education and criticism? Because it's unfair. Whether they study, how they do homework, how they memorize texts. Isn't all that decided by you? When they don't do well on exams, is it their responsibility? Clearly, you chose the wrong methods for them, yet in the end, all the responsibility falls on the child. How can they possibly bear this responsibility?
Last night in my livestream, a parent asked: "Teacher, my child is home for summer vacation, doesn't go out, watches TV all day, doesn't do homework. I'm very anxious. What should I do?" I asked this parent: Among these three things - not going out, watching TV, not doing homework - which can you control? Which can't you control? Which is your right? Which is not your right? My goodness, would you believe there are parents who can't even answer such a simple question? And do you know how many? Over 90% in my livestream couldn't answer. So you see how frightening parents can be? They don't even know where their rights and boundaries lie.
Then my student, who was also in the livestream, gave the standard answer: Parents cannot control not going out and not doing homework; they can control watching TV. Then I asked these parents, why can you control watching TV, do you know? Why can't you control not going out and not doing homework? "Um, because watching TV will make their eyes nearsighted." "Because watching TV will make their brains stupid." My goodness, this is our parents: still without any sense of boundaries. Only when a child develops a sense of boundaries can they truly understand what rights, responsibilities, and benefits mean, and what responsibility entails. My student told them: Because not going out and not doing homework are the child's business; only they have the right to decide, you don't have the right to decide for them. Once you demand they do homework, it becomes doing homework for you; once you demand they go out, it becomes going out for you. So you're depriving the child of their rights and responsibilities.
"This is my house, it's mine, I'm telling them to leave, why won't they go out?" No, you're their guardian, get this straight. That's not your house, not your home. It's your shared house and home. You chose to have this child, so you have the responsibility and obligation to provide them with food and shelter. Don't confuse these things. But a television is not a necessity, while food is. You can't say I'll deprive you of food, but I can choose not to provide a television. The television is something I bought, something Daddy bought for his own entertainment and leisure, so I'm sorry, Daddy doesn't want to lend you the television to watch right now. So what I can control is the television, because it's within my boundaries, while doing homework and whether to go out or not are outside my boundaries. That's how it is.
So how my daughter keeps her own room is none of my business. But if she makes a mess in the living room, she must clean it up, because this is our shared public space. So can you have freedom? Yes, no problem. Always tell your child that the boundary of freedom is others' freedom. Parents need to understand this. Let me teach you four characters that will instantly make you feel more relaxed. Actually eight characters, two phrases of four characters each. The first phrase is "none of my business," and the second phrase is "none of your business." Your business is none of my business; my business is none of your business. Whether to do homework? None of my business. What score did you get on the test? None of my business. Whether to clean your room? None of my business. You'll instantly feel much more relaxed. On the other hand, "Why won't I give you money? None of your business." "Why won't I buy you that toy? None of your business." I always have my rights, and you always have your rights. I take responsibility for my rights, and you take responsibility for your rights.
If you choose not to study or learn, no problem. Then in the future, you must take responsibility for your own life. You must clearly define your boundaries, understand your limits, and figure out your rights and responsibilities.
Especially during the zero to seven-year-old stage, which is the imprinting period, if you handle this well, your child will be much easier to raise afterward. I have it extremely easy now. If you chat with my daughter, you'll definitely feel that this child is so mature. She's psychologically mature, mentally mature, in a mature state, confident, and understands the boundaries between people. She always knows what everyone's rights are and what responsibilities come with those rights.
Original Video Transcript
有一年我带我女儿去泰国，很小，大概四岁多。然后那一天我们安排去靶场玩实弹射击，她呢也就跟着我们去了。结果没想到我们准备回酒店的时候呢，她就突然情绪就上来了，就又哭又闹，就是不上车，就不愿意回酒店。司机他们都在那里等，然后我就问她，是不是不想上车？“嗯。”是不是不想回酒店？“不想。”
那这个时候的父母一般会怎么做？“赶紧上车！快来！”把它怎么样？就给扔上车了。我们很多父母是不是这么做的？四岁嘛，你还可以扔得动，二十岁呢？你会发现这种行为模式会一直延续下去的。如果这个时候你还强行让她上车，这个孩子就会开始变成无能者。
首先第一个，我女儿作为一个独立的个体，有没有权利在这个时候不想上车回酒店？当然有权利。那车上的人有没有权利现在立即回酒店？当然有。那问题来了，我要做何选择？两个。第一，留下来陪女儿。第二，上车，走人。那作为爸爸要选哪一个？我选哪个都是我的权利，但是，作为父亲有一个责任，保护孩子的安全，这是我父亲的这个身份给我带来的义务啊，所以我得承担这个责任啊。但是我能不能够要求全车的人跟我一起承担这个责任？不行。所以，我就告诉司机，你先带我的几个朋友回酒店，没关系。我女儿现在暂时不想回去，让她在这里哭一会儿。
好了，车上的人走了之后我就，“没关系，不开心，不想回去，想再待一会儿，想哭一会儿，没关系，爸爸陪着你。”她就坐在那个桌子那，“嗯嗯嗯嗯”。大概又哭了十多分钟，哭完了一会儿，不哭了。好了，不哭了就解决了吗？很多父母这个时候又来了，“好了是吧？爸爸打车，我们回去。”是不是这样？难道我没有需求吗？难道我没有权利吗？
No，无条件的爱，是无条件的关注感受，我做到了。爸爸永远关注你的感受，你不开心爸爸陪着你，但是不是无条件的纵容他的行为。不要乱来，如果这个时候他哭完了我们就回去，在那一瞬间，他的潜意识将会觉得，“我想怎么样，爸爸就会让我怎么样。”你听懂了吗？这就变成溺爱了，看到没？你想怎么样就怎么样嘛，就很危险了。
先处理心情，再处理事情。不哭了，稳定了，现在要回酒店吗？“回。”两个方法。第一个方法，打车回酒店，因为车已经走了，你给钱。为什么？你决定要留下来不走的，爸爸是为了保障你的安全而决定留下来陪着你的。所以既然你享受了做这个决定的权利，麻烦你承担这个决定所带来的后果、责任和义务。
“那如果孩子没钱怎么办？”他一定有钱，那所以你就要问自己问题了，为什么你的孩子没钱？你们倒回去看我之前那个短视频你们就知道了。压岁钱是他的，那就绝对是他的。他一定拥有这个权利，他才能够负得起这个责。她说那第二个方法呢？“我们俩走回去。”她就说打车要多少钱？我说大概500块。“啊？那么贵？那我们走回去吧。”十多公里。
没办法，他要走回去我只能跟着他，四岁小孩你还能说“那你那你走吧，我打车”。那不可能的嘛。那我说好吧，那爸爸陪你走。一路走走走走走，走到一个小山坡上，突然就“哗”就下雨。她说：“爸爸爸爸！”我说：“怎么啦？”“我不想走了，还有好远啊。”我说那怎么办？“我们打车回去。”我说谁给钱？“我给钱。”嗯？她说：“那你帮我讲讲价嘛。”我说OK，这个没问题。于是拦了一个，你知道泰国那个嘟嘟车，拦那个嘟嘟车，然后讲价，400泰铢，回到酒店，她给的钱。
他一定拥有这个权利，他才能够负得起这个责。你剥夺了他所有的权利，你却要求他负责，你的孩子怎么能负得起这个责？为什么你对他的教育，你对他的批评他收不进去？因为不公平。怎么读书是不是你说了算？怎么做作业是不是你说了算？怎么背课文是不是你说了算？考不好，他的责任吗？明明是你们为他选择了错误的方法，最后所有的责任全是孩子负，你的孩子怎么负得起这个责？
昨天晚上在我直播间，一个家长问的那个问题：“老师，我的孩子暑假回来，不出门，天天看电视，不做作业，我很焦虑，该怎么办？”我就问这个家长，这里有三件事：不出门、看电视、不做作业。哪件事你能管？哪件事你管不了？哪件事是你的权利？哪件事不是你的权利？我的妈呀，你知道居然还有连这么简单的问题都答不上来的父母？而且你知道有多少吗？我直播间90%以上答不上来。所以你知道父母多可怕，连自己的权利界限在哪里，不知道。
然后我的学生也在直播间，就答了标准答案：不出门和不做作业，父母不能管；看电视，父母可以管。然后我就问这些父母，为什么看电视可以管，你们知道吗？为什么不出门不做作业不能管？“呃，因为看电视眼睛要近视。”“因为看电视脑子要变笨。”我的妈呀，这就是我们的家长，到现在为止还没有界限意识。一个孩子有了界限意识，他才能够真正的搞清楚什么叫权责利，什么叫责任。我的学生告诉他们，因为不出门和不写作业，这都是孩子的事，只有他有权利决定，你没有权利代替他决定。一旦你要求他写作业，就变成是为你写作业；一旦你要求他出门，就变成是为你出门。所以你在剥夺孩子的权利和责任。
“家是我的房子，是我的，让他出门，他凭什么不出去？” No，你是他的监护人，你搞清楚一点，那不是你的房子，不是你的家，是你们共同的房子和家。你选择生了这个孩子，你就有责任和义务为他提供食物和住所。不要混为一谈啊。但是，电视机不是必需品，而粮食是必需品。你不能说我剥夺你的食物，但是我可以不提供电视机。电视机是我买的，是爸爸为了让自己可以休闲娱乐而买的，那所以对不起，爸爸现在不想把电视机借给你看了。所以我可以管的是电视机，因为它在我的界限范围之内，而做作业、出不出门都在我的界限范围之外，就是这样的。
所以我的女儿她自己的房间怎么乱，关我屁事。但是，在客厅搞乱，你就得收拾干净，因为这是我们的共同的公共空间。所以你可不可以自由？可以，没问题。永远告诉你的孩子，自由的边界就是别人的自由。父母要搞清楚这件事情，先教你们四个字吧，你听完这四个字你会瞬间轻松一些的，八个字，两句话，每句四个字。第一句话叫“关我屁事”，第二句话叫“关你屁事”。你的事，关我屁事；我的事，关你屁事。做不做作业？关我屁事。考试多少分？关我屁事。要不要收拾房间？关我屁事。你会瞬间轻松很多。而另外一方面，“我为什么不给你钱？关你屁事。”“我为什么不给你买这个玩具？关你屁事。”我永远有我的权利，你永远有你的权利。我为我的权利承担责任，你为你的权利承担责任。
你选择了不读书不学习，没有问题，那么未来你就要为你的人生负责。一定要明确自己的边界，明确自己的界限，搞清楚自己的权利和责任。特别是零到七岁这个阶段，零到七岁是印记期，处理好，你的孩子接下来你都非常的省心。我现在极其的省心，你们跟我女儿聊天，你们一定会有个感受，这孩子怎么那么成熟。她是心理成熟，心态成熟，状态成熟，自信，而且知道人和人之间的边界，他永远知道每个人的权利是什么，这个权利背后你要承担的责任是什么。
Crepi il lupo! 🐺