The Unpayable Debt
Credit: This text is from a Xiaohongshu video from Pang Ho titled: "Are your children going through this? Why have they become this way?" | 你的孩子是否正在经历这些？他为什么会变成这样？
Why do children hide in their rooms, lose themselves in video games, begin to harm themselves repeatedly, and even start self-mutilating? Why, in the end, do they attack their parents, wishing their parents would die? Why is there so much vicious language?
For all parents struggling with similar confusion, I implore you to listen carefully. Many of us parents share this problem: "My child was so good when they were little, but as they grew up, they turned bad." But who made this child turn bad? What exactly happened to them? I want to tell you two words: Guilt and Indebtedness. What parents are often best at is creating and amplifying their children's sense of guilt.
This guilt develops in five stages. Ask yourself: which stage is your child in now? Is there still hope for them? Let's use an analogy. Imagine my friend, Lao Xu, treats me to a meal. I feel that I owe Lao Xu a meal, so I naturally make an effort to repay him. Children are no exception.
Their first stage is instinctively wanting to do something to repay their parents. This in itself is the driving force for our progress. However, the moment parents begin to reinforce this debt, problems arise. If you treat me to a meal and I'm aware of it, I know I should reciprocate. But what if, before I get the chance, you remind me every single time we meet? "Hey, I treated you to that meal, you know. Do you know how much money it cost? Do you know that meal had many things I can't even bear to eat myself?" How would I feel? I'd think, "To hell with you! Who asked you to treat me in the first place?" You'll find that while I originally wanted to do something to make it up to you, the moment you emphasize it, I begin to feel repulsed and disgusted.
Isn't this what happens between parents and children? Children are inherently aware of everything their parents do for them. Ask yourselves: when you were young and saw your parents working hard, didn't you know? Of course you did. You didn't need to be told. The child knows, "You treated me to a meal, I know, thank you." Why must you hang it over their head day in and day out? The child originally wanted to repay you, but your constant emphasis makes them not want to anymore. This is when children start saying things like, "I didn't ask you to give birth to me! Who told you to do all those things for me?"
Some parents don't emphasize it directly, but they do something else that creates an unpayable debt. Let's say I treat Lao Xu back. But then he says, "Well, since you've treated me once, how about you treat me again?" And then again. You treat me to one meal, and you expect me to treat you to ten in return? On what grounds? There's a second scenario: I treat Lao Xu, and he says, "This isn't what I wanted. I wanted Japanese food, but you took me for hotpot." Isn't this what parents do? A child may not be able to repay with good grades, so they try to show they care in other ways—like massaging your shoulders or bringing you water to wash your feet. But the parent says, "Who asked you to do this? I don't need this. Getting your grades up is what truly matters." And when they do get their grades up, the parents say, "Elementary school was good, now keep it up in middle school." Then after middle school, it's high school. The child thinks, "How much do I owe you? How many meals must I repay before it's over? Did I sell myself into servitude? I can never repay this debt in my lifetime." Is this not the logic? Everything the child does is met with disapproval.
This leads to the second stage. If I feel I can't repay what I owe Lao Xu, what will I do? If I see him on the street, I'll quickly turn and walk the other way to avoid the awkwardness. Because I can't pay it back. So, the child hides in video games, hides in their room, and locks the door, refusing to communicate with you. Because they can't pay you back! You ask for too much; they owe you too much. This is the second stage. So today, you may realize for the first time that your child hiding in their room is not rebellion; it originates from their guilt. And what do you do? You further increase their guilt. "Look at the state of you! Do you know how hard your father and I work? What more do you want from us?" The child feels you've done so much, and they've done so little. They've received so much and given back so little. As their guilt intensifies, they retreat further.
What if I feel I can't pay Lao Xu back, and I can't avoid him? Then comes the third stage: I will start to attack Lao Xu. "What kind of person are you? Do you think you're a good person? You think I don't know why you treated me to that meal? You're just a wolf in sheep's clothing, with no good intentions. You were just trying to get something from me." It escalates to, "Get lost! Go to hell! Why aren't you dead yet?" If the creditor dies, the debt is erased. Now you understand why, in the end, children attack their parents and wish for their death. It's because their guilt is so overwhelming that they cannot repay it. And how do parents react? "You ungrateful wretch! How could you say such cruel things? What sin did I commit to give birth to you? My life is so miserable, oh my god!" By doing this, you are once again heaping more guilt onto your child.
If the child feels they cannot repay the debt, but they absolutely must, what happens? This is the fourth stage. They will say, "Fine! I'll pay you back. Is this enough? It's all my fault. I'm a worthless person. I deserve to die." What happens in the fourth stage? They attack themselves. Your child starts self-mutilating. They begin to harm themselves repeatedly, using self-injury as a way to repay the debt. Does your heart ache hearing this? But parents often don't understand what their child is doing. Their minds are completely blank. They are still self-righteous, saying to the child, "What's the use of doing this? What's the point of hurting yourself? Just get your grades up!" But getting good grades isn't so simple. The standards are impossibly high. When I was young in the 80s, scoring over 600 on the college entrance exam made you exceptional. Now, it's just considered "pretty good." Parents demand the impossible, not understanding that the system is a sieve designed for only a small percentage to succeed.
If you keep pushing them, congratulations, you've reached the fifth stage. Do I even need to say it? They take their own life. "I'm giving my life back to you. Are you satisfied now? I don't owe you anything anymore."
Admit it: if your child is full of guilt, it's because you don't truly love them. How can you claim to love someone while wearing a miserable expression, acting like you're in immense pain, and then saying through clenched teeth, "I love you so much"? Who would believe you? If it's so painful, please don't be a parent. My experience with my daughter is one of joy. Everything she does is adorable to me. Once on a second-grade math test, the question was: 6 boxes, 9 ducks per box, how many ducks total? She wrote 9×6=54 but then in the final answer wrote "45 ducks." Most parents would see this as careless. But I found it incredibly cute. I could picture my earnest, slightly anxious little girl concentrating hard. I saw her cuteness, not her carelessness.
You must do one thing: pull out that poisonous thorn of guilt from their soul.
The action is very simple. In front of them, take their "IOU" and tear it to shreds. Say, "You don't owe me. I have my own means. Treating you to a meal is because it makes me happy, not because I expect anything in return. Don't be afraid. You owe me nothing." In that instant, the child's aggression and desire to hide will vanish.
The truth is, your child doesn't owe you. You are demanding from your child what you should have received from your own parents. You've targeted the wrong person. This stems from the fact that your own heart is full of guilt, a guilt passed down from your parents. It's an intergenerational transmission. You must become internally abundant and self-sufficient. When you can heal your own inner scarcity, your child can finally be free from their guilt.
Original Video Transcript
孩子們為什麼躲進房間躲進遊戲，開始不斷的傷害自己，開始自殘，到了最後就開始攻擊父母，恨不得讓父母去死了？為什麼有那麼多惡毒的語言？所有有類似困惑的父母，這一條短視頻，我都麻煩你們仔細聽一聽。我們很多的父母都會有這樣的問題：我的孩子小時候很乖，長著長著就變壞了。誰讓這個孩子變壞的？孩子究竟發生了什麼呢？我要跟大家講兩個字：愧疚。中國父母最擅長的一件事情，就是製造和放大孩子們的愧疚。
愧疚分五個階段。問一問自己，你的孩子現在處在第幾個階段？他還有沒有救？老徐有一次請我吃了一頓飯，然後我覺得，哎呀，我欠了老徐一頓飯，我就會做出彌補的行為，請回來嘛。孩子們也不例外，他的第一個階段一定是想辦法做點什麼來回報父母，這本身是我們前行的動力。可是，父母一旦去強化他，就要出問題。老徐你請我吃了飯，我心裡面有數的，我知道要請回來的。可是如果在我請回來之前這一段時間，你每見我一次都在說「我請你吃了飯的喲，你知道我那頓飯花了多少錢嗎？你知道那頓飯裡面有很多東西是我自己平時都捨不得吃的嗎？」來，我什麼感受？去你的，誰要你請我吃這頓飯！是不是這樣？所以你會發現，本來我是想要做出什麼來彌補的，可是你一旦強調他，我就開始反感了，我就開始厭惡了。
父母對孩子難道不是這樣的嗎？本來父母對孩子所做的一切，孩子心裡有數的。你們問問自己，小時候看到父母辛苦，我們心裡面有沒有數？我們有數的，我們知道的，不用你說。你請我吃了飯，我知道，我謝謝你，幹嘛非要一天到晚掛在嘴邊？就不得了了。我本來想彌補，你一旦強調，我就不想彌補了。所以孩子有沒有這樣的反應？「我沒有讓你生我下來啊，誰讓你生我下來的？我沒有讓你去做這些事情啊，誰讓你去做的？」那有的父母呢，沒有去強調他，但是他做了另外一件事情。老徐請我吃了飯，我一請回來了，而老徐怎麼說？「欸，既然你都請我吃了一頓，來，你再請我吃一頓。」哇，兩頓了，再請我吃一頓。你請我吃一頓飯，你要我請你吃十頓，憑什麼？還有第二種行為，我請老徐吃了飯，老徐說「這不是我要的，我想吃日本料理，你卻請我吃了頓火鍋。」父母是不是這樣做的？孩子，我可能成績上沒有做出什麼效果，怎麼辦？孩子就會想辦法關心你，「媽媽你累不累給你捏捏肩膀，打個水洗個腳。」「誰要你做這些？我不需要你做這些，你把成績搞上去才是王道！」好了，成績搞上去了，父母怎麼說？「小學不錯啊，初中繼續加油。」初中好不容易搞過去了，到了高中繼續哦。我他媽到底欠你多少啊？我到底要還你多少頓飯才是個頭啊？我是不是欠了賣身契我楊白勞啊，我還你一輩子都還不完的！是不是這個邏輯？孩子做的這一切不被認可。
第二個階段了。如果我覺得我欠老徐的，我還不起，我會怎麼做？在街上看到老徐趕緊繞開走。哎呀好尷尬，趕緊走。因為我還不起嘛。於是我又躲進遊戲，躲進房間，把自己關起來，不再跟你去交流。因為我還不起啊！你要的太多了，欠你太多了，這是第二個階段。所以今天恐怕大家才第一次知道，你的孩子躲進房間，躲進遊戲，原來是源自他的愧疚吧。可是你做的事情是不是進一步加大他的愧疚？「你看你是什麼鬼樣子，我跟你老爸容易嗎？我們還要怎麼樣？」這樣子孩子是不是覺得你們做了很多，然後我做了很少？我得到了很多，我給了得很少，是不是這樣的嗎？於是孩子的愧疚感是不是越來越強？那孩子愧疚感越強，他就會越躲進房間，躲進遊戲。
那麼再到下一步，第三個階段了。如果我實在覺得我還不起老徐，我又躲不開老徐，我會怎麼樣？開始攻擊老徐。「你什麼人？你這是好人嗎？你以為我不知道你為什麼請我吃這頓飯嗎？你還不是黃鼠狼給雞拜年沒安好心。你還不是想從我這裡撈到好處？」你以為我不知道你什麼東西啊，你滾吧你，你去死吧你，你怎麼還不死啊？有沒有？如果我一旦覺得我還不上，我還不起了，是不是我就會覺得，我恨不得這個債主死掉？為什麼？死掉我就不用還了嗎。所以你現在知道孩子們為什麼到了最後就開始攻擊父母，恨不得讓父母去死了吧？為什麼有那麼多惡毒的語言了吧？就是他的愧疚我得還不起啊。那父母在這個階段又是怎麼做的呢？「你個白眼狼啊！你怎麼能說出這麼狠心的話呀？我怎麼生了這麼個白眼狼啊？我是造了什麼孽啊，我命怎麼這麼苦啊我的天啊！」是不是還在進一步加重孩子的愧疚？全世界都會說他是個白眼狼，都說你怎麼不孝順啊，你怎麼能這麼氣你的父母啊？你的父母多不容易啊！
再這樣下去，你的孩子就走到第四個階段了。如果我覺得我還不起老徐，我又覺得我必須還給老徐，怎麼辦？「行了吧，還給你！夠不夠？是我不好，行不行？都是我的錯，我就是個廢人，我就該死！」第四個階段幹嘛？攻擊自己。所以你的孩子開始自殘，你的孩子開始不斷的傷害自己，用傷害自己的方式來還債。聽到這裡應該心疼了吧？No，他們不知道孩子在幹嘛，他完全是腦子空空如也的，他還在自以為是，還在跟孩子說：「你這樣做有什麼用？你打自己起什麼作用？你把成績搞上去嘛！」那個把成績搞上去是說一句話那麼容易的事嗎？開什麼國際玩笑！
如果繼續逼他，恭喜你，第五個階段了。還用得著我說嗎？扎自己一刀。「我還給你了，我把命還給你，這下你滿意了？我再也不欠你們的了。」承認吧，如果你的孩子現在心懷愧疚，那一定是因為你不愛他。哪有你一邊跟他在一起愁眉苦臉，然後痛苦的不得了，然後還咬牙切齒的跟對方說：「我愛你啊，我愛死你了，我很愛你的。」你信嗎？如果那麼痛苦，拜託你們不要當爸爸，不要當媽媽好不好？
為什麼我的感受是我跟我女兒在一起就很快樂呢？我女兒所有的一切行為在我這裡都是可愛的。二年級的時候，期末考試結束，數學卷子上面有一道題特別搞笑：六個箱子，每個箱子裡面有九隻鴨子，問一共有多少隻鴨子？她寫9乘以6等於54隻，沒問題吧？算法、答案都沒問題。下面寫：答，一共有45隻鴨子。就把答案寫反了，然後就扣了0.5分。一般的爸爸看到這個題是不是就覺得哎呀可惜了，粗心大意的。但是我反而覺得特別的開心。就我看的這個題，我是由衷的感到這個孩子太可愛了。就我透過這道題的答案寫反了，我看到的是她在那裡很認真，然後又有點著急，在那裡緊張、很可愛的那個小女孩，那個小孩子在那裡很認真的做卷子答題的那個畫面，我就覺得這孩子太可愛了。所以我完全不覺得她是粗心大意的，我反而覺得她犯的這一些小失誤，其實就是她非常可愛的一些點點滴滴。
只要跟他在一起，我就是快樂的，他就能夠感覺到爸爸對他的那種愛是自然而然發生的，不用你去強調，也不用你去說，更不用你去要求，他一定能感覺到。我給我女兒買衣服，我女兒自己都會說：「爸爸，你又要給我買衣服，又要給我交學費，要花這麼多錢，我們上班這麼辛苦，我好心疼啊。」我說：「爸爸給你買這麼多衣服，是因為爸爸有這個能力，是因為爸爸想把自己的女兒打扮的漂亮一點，這一切都只是在為爸爸做，不是在為你做。」告訴孩子，你不欠我的。
無論在哪個階段的父母，一定要拔除內心愧疚感的這根毒刺。你只需要做一個動作，非常簡單。當著他的面，撕掉。就像我一直躲著老徐，攻擊老徐，老徐突然拿出：「看，這是你欠我的欠條，來，沒關係。」（撕掉）「你不欠我的。沒事，我有的是錢，我請你吃飯，是我開心，不是要你回報我什麼。別怕，你不欠我的。」這一瞬間，我對老徐的攻擊怎麼樣？沒了。我想躲著老徐？不需要了。父母要做的動作也就是這樣，讓你的孩子相信，爸爸媽媽內在是富足的，不需要孩子來回報什麼東西。這個世界上真的有人欠你的，只不過不是孩子，孩子並不欠你的，是你的父母。你本來應該向父母要的東西，你全部都在向孩子要，你抓錯了對象。本質上也源自你的內心充滿了愧疚。我為什麼會愧疚？不也是因為我的父母在向我表達委屈嗎？這就是一個代際傳承的問題。如果我不拔除內心的這根毒刺，可想而知我跟我的孩子將會是一種什麼樣的互動關係。我曾經用應用心理學幫助了我自己，我願意貢獻出來去幫助更多人，內心怎麼能夠富足起來。你能夠走出內在的匱乏，你的孩子就能走出他內心的愧疚。
Crepi il lupo! 🐺